Apr 24, 2014

How do I talk to my teen about sexual violence? With one in four students experiencing some form of sexual violence, how can parents talk to their teens about this issue? Dr. Nicholas J. Westers explains.

It's difficult to watch or read the news without coming across stories covering bullying and the increased efforts that schools are taking to prevent such behavior from occurring on school grounds. But what about sexual violence in schools? After all, research has shown that verbal bullying and teasing in middle schools predicts later perpetration of sexual harassment by those same students.

A study presented at the American Educational Research Association this month indicated that about one in four middle school boys and girls have been recipients of sexual violence (defined as sexual harassment, unwanted sexual touching and homophobic name-calling such as being called gay or lesbian because of who they hang out with). The majority of this is experienced on school grounds.

With one in four students experiencing some form of sexual violence, how can parents talk to their teens about this issue? Nicholas J. Westers, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist at Children’s Medical Center and Assistant Professor at UT Southwestern Medical Center, offers his expert advice.

Have “The Talk”

One of the most important things you can do is have an open talk with your teen about healthy sexual behavior and relationships. Clearly communicate your values about sexual behavior with them. Remember that any awkwardness you might experience during the conversation could be out of your own discomfort, not theirs. So have the conversation anyway, and have it more than once.

Is it Harassment or Just Joking?

Dr. Nicholas J. Westers Dr. Nicholas J. Westers

Many teens dismiss sexual harassment and teasing as joking or even normal. Consequently, they may become permissive bystanders or, because they know each other, may not recognize the behavior as sexual violence or harassment. Discuss with your teen that how the other person perceives the joking and teasing is what qualifies as harassment, not necessarily what is intended.

Since when did teasing become a form of violence? It is hard to say, but perhaps around the same time that being called names was discovered to be often more damaging than sticks and stones. Regardless, the Golden Rule is typically a good one by which to live and to teach your teen.

Teach Your Teen to Say “No” and Accept “No”

It is important that teens be able to stand up for themselves by clearly communicating to others when behavior toward them is unwanted or crossing boundaries without permission. Teach your teen that they always reserve the right to say “no” and have their “no” be accepted.

It is also important that they have the skills to speak up against sexual violence as bystanders whenever they witness it. Federal law requires school personnel to treat sexual harassment as sex discrimination and to respond accordingly. Talk to your teen about how they might approach school personnel in reporting sexual violence, and be willing to offer and help your teen make a report.

Some teenagers may misread cues and think their sexual advances are welcome or normal. Not only is it important that they be able to say “no” to others, but discuss with your teen how to hear someone else tell them “no” and what it feels like to accept it.

Leave us a comment to give us your opinion about this important topic.