Danielle, a likable Richardson sixth-grader, suddenly found things had changed with one of her friends. She was invited to the friend's birthday party but once there, Danielle was purposefully excluded. The friend even closed a garage door to leave Danielle outside after a bike ride.

At school after the party, the snubs continued, with the bully encouraging other girls to join with her to be mean to Danielle.

Danielle decided to tell her mom about what was happening. Her mom called the parents of the bully, and shortly thereafter, the bully approached Danielle at school and asked if they both wanted to start over.

While the situation worked out for Danielle and her friend, she said she would never do the same thing to another girl because she knew how it felt to be excluded and lonely.

Avery Hoenig, Ph.D., a psychologist on staff at Children's Medical Center, said the "mean girl" phenomenon is not new.

"Girls bullying one another has been a part of life for a very long time," Hoenig said. "However, societal pressures on girls to mature faster and technology such as cell phones and social Web sites have caused bullying to start at an earlier age and expand at an exponential rate."

Cliques and outsiders
Bullying among girls can start in their pre-teen years, sometimes as early as fourth grade. Girls can whisper behind someone's back or otherwise gossip, tease and sometimes even physically hurt other girls.

Also at this age, cliques begin to form. Cliques are like circles of friends gone to the extreme. The leader of the clique often imposes rules and restricts "outsiders" from joining the group. Outsiders may be girls who are different in race, age, ethnicity, religion, weight, or just someone viewed as "different."

The rules and restrictions help the leader stay in control and give her "followers" a sense of order and rank within the group. Not conforming to the group's norms could lead to expulsion.

"Cliques can start as somewhat non-threatening groups of girls who may enjoy the same activities," Hoenig said. "However, as girls approach junior high school and high school, the need to fit in is so great that little can stand in the way of the development of cliques."
 
Cliques begin to form at a time when pre-teens are trying to discover a sense of themselves and their social role models, Hoenig said. They can offer a sense of belonging, but their negative aspects also can be detrimental to those girls inside and outside the clique.

"In many ways, cliques develop out of the needs of adolescent girls — they offer girls a sense of belonging as well as support and companionship. Unfortunately, many adolescent girls also have a need to reject or put down others," Hoenig said. "Often, this need derives from low self-esteem or negative thoughts about oneself."

The exclusive nature of cliques fills this need as well.

What can you do?
"A positive self image can protect girls from the negative impact of cliques," said Hoenig. "It is important to develop your daughter's self image by promoting age-appropriate independence and involvement in extracurricular activities, and by limiting negative statements about yourself, your daughter and others in her presence."

The negative consequences of being bullied can last until a girl becomes an adult if she does not learn positive strategies for coping and reacting to bullying. If your daughter is being bullied, there are a number of useful strategies.

• Role play with your daughter about how to identify bullying and how she can get out of the negative situation.
• Arrange for her to go to school and eat with friends.
• Provide opportunities for her to be in positive social situations with other girls such as play dates and other confidence-building activities.
• Teach her that it's OK to alert a teacher, school official, a family member or other trusted adult if she is being bullied.
• Let her know that it is important to voice her own opinions and to stand up for herself. Teach her be her own person.
• Model appropriate behavior among friends.

Signs a child is being bullied can include:

• Stomach aches, headaches and anxiety.
• Skipping school, declining grades or being afraid to go to school.
• Sleep difficulties or nightmares.
• Poor body image and low self-esteem, even eating disorders.
• Sadness, hurt feelings, depression.
• Suicidal thoughts.

"Many parents and children alike get the message that bullying is a part of normal adolescent life; this is simply not true," Hoenig said. "Bullying needs to be taken seriously by teachers and administrators. It negatively affects the victim and aggressor alike and should be addressed immediately in the school setting."

If you think your child is being bullied and needs help, please call Children's Medical Center at 214-456-5900.

Resources
www.girlshealth.gov